I wrote a story, and I wanna know what you think? It's somewhat long tho. but it's great?


dark halo , Saturday, 7th of August 2010 02:35:16 AM

Fallen Angel. Chapter one. In search of Identity.
dark halo
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''My eyes opened and l realized l was resting on a soft bed. l was 
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covered with a soft baby blue blanket. The birds chirpedrhythmically, and 
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the sunlight reflectedfrom the window adjacent from the bed was hurting my 
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eyes. l squinted as l looked upon it, but it really did not helprelieve the 
pain at all. The pain felt as if l was looking directly at a flashlight. l 
could easily tell the time of day was morning. l sat up on the bed and 
looked around the bedroom, the walls were painted pink, the drawers and 
bookshelves standing opposite of the window were just as blue as the 
blanket that l hadjust pulled off. The room was unfamiliar to me. l 
wondered how l got here, but l could not recall anything that occurred 
before this present point, nothing at all.
l got out of bed and 
there was a somewhat loud clanking sound coming from the polished wooden 
floor. l looked down and saw a silver heart shaped pendant bonded with 
small silver chains. l bent over and picked up the locket. It was two and 
a half inches long, and it gleamed and shimmered like precious diamonds in 
the sunlight behind me. l turned the heart shaped locket and saw a small 
clasp. l opened the locket and saw a photo of a young woman on the left 
who seemed to be wearing a purple dress robe. Next to her on the right was 
a little girl, wearing similar clothing except she wore pink instead of 
purple. Both of them had long black hair and they were smiling at each 
other. l glanced at the little girl again, and although the child seemed 
so cute, she also seemed very familiar. There was a mirror adjacent to the 
door in front of me. l saw my own reflection in the mirror. l realized that 
l had black hair just like the two people in the photo, wearing a white 
T-Shirt and white shorts, l also saw in the mirror that l had no shoes on. 
Then l looked at the little girl in the picture again. That little girl’s 
face and hair are somewhat similar to mine. On the left side of the locket 
l saw a something printed on the silver metal. The upper left corner of 
the heart locket was a name that was printed “Fallen angel” and in the 
middle there was date carved into the locket saying

20 December 
1995

The date on the locket caught my attention. l wondered why 
the date was even printed there. What happened on that day? Why is it so 
significant? l also wondered who the young woman is in the photo, and if 
the little girl next to her is really me. The door in front of me knocked 
unexpectedly. l just watched and glared at it, then seconds later the door 
opened. The one who knocked on the door was a young woman, wearing a white 
dress and l also noticed a white apron she was wearing that seemed to 
blend in. Her rectanglular glasses were completely crooked, it looks as if 
it was about to fall off her face. Her face was completely dirty, and her 
crimson hair looked as if it were never brushed for weeks perhaps months. 
Her emerald eyes came into contact with mine, and said to me in a somewhat 
squeaky voice.

“Hello, you’re awake”


continued to glare at her, and remind silent.

“What’s your 
name?” said the woman, smiling lightly “My name is Solana 
Frostly.”

Unfortunately l didn’t have an answer to that 
question. l felt pretty stupid not knowing my own name, so l remained 
silent and continued to stare at her.

“Um, you don’t talk 
much do you?” said Solana, timidly. “My daughter Aiyana found you in 
the forest out cold so we took you in our home and we kept you warm and 
placed you in her room. Um….. Are you feeling okay?”


nodded lightly, and whispered.

“Yes”

“I’m 
glad to hear it!” said Solana, smiling brightly. “Come downstairs, l 
made some breakfast. When you finished eating we can call your parents. 
How old are you by the way”

“T-Tw-Twelve” l answered a 
little unsure of myself.

“Oh that’s great!” Said Solana, 
“Aiyana is just about you age- Well, perhaps. She’ll be turning twelve 
in a few days, so I’m sure you two would get along just fine. Now please 
come downstairs for some breakfast. I’m not sure if there is any 
breakfast left, l didn’t expect you to be awake at this time. After 
breakfast we’ll call your parents, they must be worried sick about you. 
So we’ll just let them know that you’re okay”

Solana 
turned around and left. Seconds later, l got up off the floor, where l was 
sitting, left the room and went down the stairs. After l reached the first 
floor, l heard a voice calling to me.

“Hey, over here! We 
saved you some breakfast”

l turned to where the voice is 
coming from. It was Solana and another girl who had long scarlet hair just 
like Solana’s in a kitchen. l walked inside the kitchen where the girl 
sat at a circular wooden table that was near a corner of the kitchen. The 
table had a large plate with a layer of pancakes on a white ceramic plate 
and a bottle of maple syrup sitting there. l gagged at the odor of burnt 
food. The sink next to me were piled with dirty dishes. There were shards 
of broken glass on the white tile floors. l almost stepped on them, while 
l was still barefoot. Solana was near an oven holding a silver metal 
spatula, jumping and shrieking hysterically trying to put out the flames 
that bloomed from the stove just a second ago. l sat at the table where 
the girl sat. l glared at her for a moment. The girl looked back at me and 
smiled.

“Oh hello,” She said quickly, “Don’t mind my 
Mom, she’s very clumsy when it comes to housekeeping. As you can see, 
she’s not always the best cook. Although she’s very clumsy and 
careless, she has her moments. She’s only like this when she’s 
stressed out. It’s very typical for adults.Other than that she’s a 
great cook. Oh, I’m so sorry, l forgot to introduce myself. I’m 
Aiyana.”

Aiyana reached out her right hand towards me. />
l looked at her hand. l wondered what she made that gesture for. l 
continued to stare at it.
“What’s your name” She asked. />
My eyes were drawn from her hand to her face. It’s that question 
again. l was gnawing my bottom lip, trying hard to remember, but it was 
impossible. All l could do now is give Aiyana a light shrug. Aiyana 
frowned.

“l tried asking her the same thing,” said Solana 
finally finished extinguishing the flames on the stove, “but she 
wouldn’t tell me. She must be shy, let’s give her some time to relax a 
bit. Aiyana pumpkin, go to the living room and find the phone. l think 
it’s time we call her parents. And turn on the computer on your way back 
here, and look up something on missing children”

Aiyana looked 
at her mother and nodded. She got up off her chair and left the kitchen. 
Now my attention is drawn to Solana, who smiled at me, placed some 
pancakes on the plate in front of me and said,

“Please eat 
some pancakes, they’re really tasty. l don’t want you to go hungry. 
I’ll give you a fork and a glass of orange juice.”

Solana 
handed me a silver metal fork, with four prongs and the flower design 
carved on the brown wooden handle. She also grasped the bottle of maple 
syrup and poured its sticky brown contents on the plate of pancakes. l 
looked down and stared at it.

“Hmm,” said Solana. “It 
seems that you have never tasted pancakes before. Just cut a piece off and 
eat it.

l looked up at Solana once more, remembering what 
Aiyana told me earlier, that she isn’t always the best cook. l assumed 
that these pancakes of hers would not taste very pleasant. l found Solana 
as a very kind person and the last thing l wanna do is offend her. With my 
assumption set aside, l grabbed the fork that was previously placed on the 
table, Cut off a piece of the pancake and placed it into my open mouth. My 
bottom jaw made contact with my upper one, while moving in a clockwise 
position. The food was soft and tasted sugary. While eating it l had this 
pleasant feeling, l assumed that the pancakes would taste horrible, but it 
was the opposite. l looked up at Solana again and smiled. Solana smiled 
back at me.

In each chapter there will be a new reply. So l 
need your opinion on this story.
 
 
 
 
 

Cheeky monkey , Sunday, 8th of August 2010 05:28:56 PM

You need to separate the first part into paragraphs. Way too  
Cheeky monkey
hard to read.  
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Love Butt , Monday, 9th of August 2010 04:52:34 AM

Oh my! I think that this story has some real potential. Very  
Love Butt
detailed! Keep those chapters coming, I want to see your progression and  
Registered User
your style. Again very nice.  
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Jilly Bean , Tuesday, 10th of August 2010 08:42:23 AM

You're right; it is great! :) I want to read more.  
Jilly Bean
 
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You have a lot of potential:) I love how you described everything in such  
Joined: Saturday, 5th of June 2010, 10:00:14
detail, especially the phrase about ''the flames that bloomed from the  
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stove.'' Very creative and vivid use of imagery. I also like how you  
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described the protagonist eating pancakes for the first time. You  
describe everything to every sense, which draws the reader into the story  
even more.  
 
 
 
 
 

Dee-Dee , Wednesday, 11th of August 2010 10:17:45 AM

You should become a writer.  
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Studley Dooright , Thursday, 12th of August 2010 07:55:13 AM

Make sure you post the other chapters, i think it is a lovely  
Studley Dooright
tale up to now....has good potential. :-)  
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